I never really liked to drink alone. Never really poured my selve a glass of wine and just relaxed.
I tend to be the type of person to over think everything. Have I said to much? Am I a good mum? Did I make the right choice? Is he happy to be around me? I eventually come around and give my selve a good slap in the face. And this is where my fear of drinking alone comes from. If I over react and over think sober can you imagine what I would be like with a drink in my head with no distractions?
With people around I enjoy my glass of wine. I am chatty and cheerful. Alas what will happen to me if I just let go and pour my selve that glass? I have come to realize that this has also been my self sabotage.I recently had an interview where I blurted out what i thought they wanted to hear rather then let the answers come naturally. Everyone thought I was a shoe in for the job. But unfortunately I was unsuccessful. Being given feedback I was told I “need to learn to blow my own trumpets”. Thing is the trumpets are always blowing. They are just out of tune.
I know that I need to change my outlook and retune that trumpet. So starting from now. I’m going to have my glass of wine. Maybe it won’t be that bad after all. I might even enjoy my own company.
I hate sleeping. Let me rephrase that. I like my few hours of needed rest every night. But I hate over sleeping. Or should I say, oversleepers.
Why on earth would you want to waste a beautiful sunny day asleep?! Even when I have nothing to do. I find something to do. Or at least go outside and sleep in the sun. I understand you work till late and you need to sleep however if you come home at 1 or 2 pm and stay awake till about 5 or 6 just because you want to watch some tv that’s just plain annoying. Could you not have slept at night and watched tv during the day?
Ok.. You might be asking where this is coming from? I’m trying really hard not to nag and complain. But it seems like he keeps doing all the things I hate just to see how long it takes for me to erupt.
Well not this time. I am taking the high road and keeping silent. If you do not want to come and visit a friend. Fine. If you do not want to sleep at night and then end up sleeping in the day. Fine. You want to go out with your friends. Fine. Eventually you will realise I am annoyed at you and by then you will also have to figure out how to fix it.
Love. We all want it. The sad thing is once we have it, it doesn’t quite turn out what we expect it to be. The excitement we feel when we fall in love isn’t the same as what we feel when we have loved the same person for years.
It comes in waves and unlike what is sometimes portrayed in movies. love is anything but a happy ending. Its a constant commitment, a constant struggle. its sacrifice. Sometimes you may hate everything about that person. Even the very thing that made you love them in the first place. But then it all comes back. That person has the power to make or brake your day, month, year.
Love is powerful. Between the two of you, you may make the perfect power couple, but there is no such thing as perfect. When you love intensely you fight intensely also. Love may make you do or say or feel thing you may have never thought you could.
I was never a jealous person. Until I met my husband. I know there is nothing going on, but I can’t help it. I also never thought I could be soo nagging. Yet there I find my selve, nagging away because he hasn’t eaten right or isn’t doing something. There are soo many times both of us have wanted to call it a day. Count our wins/loses and move on. But something keeps us together.
Charlotte from sex and the city comes to mind. And I’ll never forget when Samantha says that you can’t be happy everyday. And Charlotte replies “not all day everyday, but yes, every day”
My motto in life has always been ‘live and let live’ and up until recently however I have come to a point where I might need to change this.
A friend of such had come to me with a problem, she had strong feelings for a man who was married with 3 children. My 1st reaction wasn’t at all what she expected. She wanted me to ask her for more details instead I just told her to walk away and never look back.
She didn’t take my advice but pretty much did the exact opposite. This man bought her gifts and told her all that she wanted to hear. I told her that she will never be more then his thing on the side but still the rondevous only increased. I remember she once came over and showed me her new watch. I complemented it and she told he that he also bought one for his wife. I almost choaked on my wine.
I kept telling her this has to stop. She then told me that she was going to ask him to leave his wife. I think this was my breaking point. I had already voiced my opinion but I wanted to be friend at the same time.
I asked her how could she do this to another woman? What if that woman was me? What if he was trying to sort out his marriage but is obviously distracted by a hot twenty something. Why would she even want all this hassle? 3 kids?.. She wasn’t listening…
However I don’t know the ending to this story.. Because I couldn’t bare to talk to her anymore. I stopped answering her texts. Stopped calling. I couldn’t be by her side to support her decision, whatever it might have been. Too much damage was already done. At one point I even started to become paranoid over my own relationship. If this man was buying presents for his wife and for another woman at the same time, who’s to say my man wouldn’t do the same? She made me loose faith. In men, in women, in marriage. It really effected me. I did not want this in my life.
So how could I have a motto ‘live and let live’? ‘To each his own’? I had to basically delete a person from my life because I couldn’t live and let live anymore..
For as long as I can remember I have been told I’m very mature for my age. I’m going back at least ten years now and yes Sometimes I do feel like I’m much older then I am.
This is mainly because of a lot of responsibilities I have had to shoulder both as a teenager and now in my twenties. Some of this was just trusted on to me without me having much of a say in the matter. My brother for example is one if them. Others however I have brought upon my selve through the choices I have made throughout my short life. Do I regret these choices? No. But I would be lying if I said I never thought about how my life would be if I had taken a different path.
However even though I am told I’m so mature for my age I realize that in so many aspects I still yet have to grow up. Although I have taken on adulthood readily and kept up with all these responsibilities I have on my shoulders I know that a lot of the issues I find my selve facing especially in my relationships is because of the level of my insecurities which I feel only time may be so kind as to teach me otherwise.
No matter how mature you might be or old old your soul may be only time may grant you to gift of confidence, unless of course, you are born with it.